Glass Half Full
By Samuel Hammock
On a table sat a glass of water
Filled just up to the halfway mark.
Soon it would be a source of conflict
As water glasses seldom are.
“It's halfway full!” said the Optimist
With a tone of joy and cheer.
But the Pessimist interjects “Nonsense!
It's half empty from right here.”
The Statistician calmly states
“It's at fifty percent capacity.”
But the Engineer interrupts to say
“It's just twice as big as it needs to be.”
The Wise Guy in the corner smirks
“It's full, but half is air.”
“An atom’s mostly empty space.“
His Snobby Twin declares.
The Blind Man doesn't understand
The escalating brawl.
The Skeptic questions if the glass
Holds anything at all.
“How is the word halfway defined?”
Demands old Socrates.
“It should be fuller than it is!“
The Idealist clearly sees.
“The glass is either full or not!”
The Logician shouts aloud.
The Stoic will not let the glass
Affect his conduct proud.
The Empiricist taps on the glass
Just to be sure it's there.
The Marxist says the glass should be
Divided, to be fair.
The Fascist says the one who
Takes the glass is always right.
The Existentialist demands
They let the glass decide.
To Perspectivists, the water is
Surrounded by a glass.
The Physicist just wants to find
The glass’s total mass.
The Nihilist, depressed and sad
Cries out “It doesn't matter!”
The Paranoia-riddled One
Suspects it isn't water.
The Darwinist declares the glass
Was just an accident.
The Fruedian says that social norms
Will make it discontent.
Postmodernists say “You decide.
It's your truth after all.”
The Surrealist sees a big green
Llama-rider waterfall.
The Politician claims the glass
Is his opponent's fault.
The Food Critic complains that it
Could use a bit of salt.
With empty glass in hand,
The Opportunist parts the fray.
“Boy, I was thirsty.
Why are you guys arguing today?”
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